The Things We Carry

The theme of reflection this week has been Honor Your Journey and it inspired me to share a story with you. A couple weeks ago, I took my youngest son to a check-up for a congenital condition he had surgery for in the first year of his life. It was repairable and everything has been improving in the four years since. So I wasn’t too worried, but there is that lingering “what if” until you get the okay.

His doctor happily shared the updated ultrasounds and showed the progress from pre-surgery to last year to the latest ones. And the all clear to not have to come back for two years! So while a little disappointed that we don’t get to see him next year (he is simply the best), there was immense relief that we had cleared this hurdle. It’s the kind of sign-off we’d been hoping for (and not realizing I had been holding my breath over).

“I felt a huge weight taken off that I didn’t even realize I had been carrying.”

And with that knowledge, I felt a huge weight taken off that I didn’t even realize I had been carrying. On the drive home, there were waves of emotions that hit me, that I’m still unpacking even now.

The stress of taking your newborn to a specialist, to understand the scope of the concern and diagnose the issue, while you yourself are still healing.

The fear and uncertainty of taking your 9-month-old in for surgery. Spending the night in the hospital with him hooked up to IV lines and monitors.

Worrying about the after-care and the results.

Explaining to your kiddo why they need to put the jelly on the belly for the follow-up ultrasound and keeping it fun for them.

Not being able to fully let it go, concerned about any signal that something could be regressing or not healing as expected.

I didn’t realize all of the emotions I had been carrying with me for these years. Burying them deep. So that they couldn’t touch me. So that I could maintain an appearance of peace about everything.

And they started to come out.

Giving a big hug to my youngest after getting the great progress news, telling us both “good job”.

With the weight removed, the feelings started rising up, like bubbles to the surface. Gently, but persistently.

Instead of my usual M.O. of avoidance, I started to turn toward allowing myself to feel the feeling and realized that I could be with it and process it. I started to release the stress and trauma I felt over the experience. Observing the feelings as they bubbled up and sitting with each one. Telling myself what I most needed to hear when I was going through those moments. To be the comfort my past self needed. To tell myself I was so brave and I did more than I ever should have alone.

Four years ago I didn’t allow myself to see any other option. That it was my duty to shoulder it all and not let anyone know how much it was for me to carry.

Having gone through that experience, and with the perspective I have now, I see these were not truths. They were my truth in that moment, and that I did the best with what I knew. But I am so grateful that I am not destined to repeat it.

“Sometimes only paper will listen to you”

One of the things that has helped me process my feelings was through journaling. Having that private space where I could write out whatever I needed to say, even when it felt difficult or shameful to put into the world beyond bottling up the thoughts in my head. And it gave me a chance to see things in a new perspective, as an outsider of myself, observing my thoughts as I wrote them down and withholding judgement about them. I’m still working through what I need to process from this recent experience, but it has been such a useful tool to turn to when I needed to pour things out.

Finding a journaling practice that worked for me is what helped me through those days of motherhood when I needed a outlet. Participating in a The Artist’s Way accountability group was helpful in helping me build a habit through the morning pages; stream of consciousness writing. Sort of like written word vomit (apologies for that visual).

It was a huge part of opening the door to my inner voice and finding the flow of my thoughts. And it is a practice I believe is so transformational, I included it as a foundational element in the Illumination Kit.

Prioritizing these few moments a day to write these entries out by hand, giving your mind a release valve and allow space to let connections happen will not only help you process the day to day stresses, but gives you a place to ponder your dreams and think out steps to live a life that lights you up.

To help you with your journaling practice, I’ve taken content straight from the Illumination Kit’s Foundation & Discovery guidebook and created a free Firefly Scout Journaling Guide. I hope that you will download it and use it to build your own journaling practice and find mental space to honor your journey and the things you carry, uncovering that light within you the way it did for me.

If you like tips like these, check out my other free resources or find me on Instagram. Thanks for visiting!

*post contains affiliate links

---

Stephanie Rose is a mom, wife, business owner and a forever student in finding ways to know herself better. She acts as guide for your own journey, sharing insights, tools and practices to help you remember your magic and live a life that lights you up. Sign up for her newsletter and check out her free resources.

Related entries