How to Make and Maintain Friendships

When is the last time you connected meaningfully with a friend or colleague? Felt the boost after talking through a problem, sharing ideas or simply laughed over an inside joke, making you feel a bit more at home with yourself?

This change of season has gotten me thinking about friendships, those new and old (or silver and gold as the song goes). Having people in your life who you feel confident that they have your back, you can trust with your true feelings is a vital part of the full life experience. Friends or connections who encourage you to grow and celebrate and support you through the glow and the growth of life is a key component of living a life that lights you up.

“Make new friends, but keep the old
One is silver and the other gold”

— Nursery Rhyme

Recognize the value

Recognizing what is valuable and important to us is the first step. Making space and prioritizing investing in those friendships is what makes them last and get stronger. Some people are meant to be in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, but you won’t know if you don’t take care of them. This doesn’t always mean a big time block on your calendar. It can a simple check in to let them know they crossed your mind and wish them a good day. If they mean something to you, find a way to let them know.

Examples of how I am investing (or not) in my long term friendships recently included-

• The other evening I had a Facetime "paint date" with a friend I met at work almost 20 years ago (what?!). Our last one was in JUNE and we said that we won't wait that long for the next time (similar paint by number kit).

• Having another friend say how astonished they were that I remembered their birthday through all these years, even though we don't really keep in touch regularly.

• And my longtime friend I usually talk or text with daily, I've not been holding up my end of the friendship, feeling pulled in too many directions to even check in and say hi.

So I'm not totally failing in the friend department. I’m not letting it bring down my vibe, but I do feel like I need to give my friendships some attention to feel the boost that they give me. I’ve noticed that when I do, my spirit feels fuller and the journey through life feels more manageable. These longer term connections help me feel grounded and connected to a earlier version of myself, like bedrock.

Old and new

While most of my friendships are treasured and old (or of the gold variety), I'm nurturing newer friendships too. Nurturing newer friendships is what helps take those silver nuggets and alchemize them into gold, over time. My goals for this month include connecting with some newer, silver variety friends that I feel have the potential to help me grow and fill a bucket that needs some refilling.

• I'm promising myself that I will plan the walk date with a friend that we have only met in person once (darn Covid) but have been a guest on her podcast and frequently bounce ideas off each other about work and ‘woo’.

• One friend I've only talked with over IG about a mutual love of Gilmore Girls, we met up for coffee this weekend and definitely boosted us to IRL friend official status.

And for all of the people in between, I want to plan on connecting with more, getting together more and actually get a date on the calendar.

So now what?

How would you say your friendships are doing these days? As we enter the season of gratitude and thanks, take a moment to reach out to a friend and say hi.

You know one of my favorite ways is to send a card, but even a text can brighten someone's day and reinforce that connection.

Not sure what to say? How about sending-

• a picture and share how it reminds you of them

• a voice note to add an extra level of connection (because I suck at listening to voicemails)

• a link to a song that always makes you smile and think of them

• a video of you reenacting a favorite moment of your friendship

• a card with an article, sticker or memento (who doesn't love when something falls out of a card?!)

This recent NPR article also features some lovely ways to show your friends some love and nurture them for some extra love (article)

Whatever you choose to do, I promise that investing in those that cheer you on, boost you up and make you feel like your best self is well worth it.

Making New Friends

If you are feeling like you’d like to meet some new friends or acquaintances with some shared interests, finding a new hobby can be a great place to start. Even with the best silver and gold friends, it feels good to connect with new people. Connecting over shared interests or goals that really light you up and feel part of your identity make it much easier to grow a friendship over ones that exist just based on proximity or life stage.

Make a list of things you feel the nudge to tap into-

• things you are currently interested in

• goals you are working toward

• hobbies you said you’ve wanted to try in the past (or it’s been far too long since you did) and still hold interest now

• Pinterest ideas you’ve saved

• books you’ve wanted to read (suggestions here)

• experiences you wanted to experience

• sensations or feelings you want more of

I explained my whole process of how I make a list of things I want More (or less) of in my life in this post. It’s a useful exercise when you are needing some prompts to name some of these things and come up with a tangible list that will help you take the next step.

With that list, see how you can use that as a springboard to find a class, online community, activity that will get you around other people who are being active in the same interests and be a good place to plant some seeds of friendship.

For even more tips, check out this UpJourney article I was quoted in on how to find a new hobby as an adult. Hint, it can even involve your favorite TV show that just exudes all the fall vibes.

Seasons of friendship

Sometimes we are friends with people out of habit, out of proximity or to fulfill a desire that isn’t really our own. Fall is a great time to take a look at the people in your friendship circle and see if the relationship is serving both of you. It’s not that these people aren’t lovely, but maybe they just aren’t aligning with the season you are in and the journey you are on.

Or maybe they aren’t a friendship to grow right now. This could be more of a dormant time for the friendship, like a bulb planted and waiting for spring. It needs a cooling off period for it to flourish again.

Acknowledging that with yourself will help release some potential guilt you may carry about not having the energy to direct to it in this season, or trying to spread yourself too thin to maintain it. If needed, let the other person know this so that they don’t feel ghosted or wonder if they did something wrong. That communication will go a long way in maintaining a chance to pick it up later if it aligns.

And if it happens to you, know that it’s serving you and your highest good. Friendships are relationships and they need to have good vibes in both directions.

Boundaries & Release

There may also be a couple of people in your life that are maybe not encouraging you to be a better version of yourself, that encourage a habit that doesn't fill you up or being around them makes you feel a bit less than, use this season to decide if they are worthy of your time, love and attention and what boundaries you need to establish with them.

It’s not your fault. Maybe you outgrew them. Maybe they caused some shi!t and it’s just time to give yourself some space from it all.

Just as fall is a time of release, let this be the nudge to release what is no longer serving your highest self. You are so worth living a life that lights you up.

Life season

No matter what season it is in the world when you read this, know that you can apply this in your own life at any time. Honor where you are on your own journey and learn to recognize the season you are in. Be curious, experiment and see what you can adapt into it based on the lessons Mother Nature teaches us by example by going through her own cycle of the seasons each year.

This post appeared in part in my newsletter. If you would like having easy to try tips to guide you toward living a life that lights you up delivered to your inbox, sign up for the Firefly Scout newsletter.

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Stephanie Rose is a mom, wife, business owner and a forever student in finding ways to know herself better. She acts as guide for your own journey, sharing insights, tools and practices to help you remember your magic and live a life that lights you up. Sign up for her newsletter and check out her free resources.

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