The Trouble with Gratitude
It’s getting time for my annual desire to rewatch Love Actually (IMDB). It’s not technically a Christmas movie, but it takes place over the holidays and captures the range of emotions and experiences that this time of year can bring up.
One of the poignant songs from the movie is Kelly Clarkson’s The Trouble With Love Is. It shows the many sides of love and the different ways it expresses itself. And in some ways, it is helping me with working through something else that is probably even more important and confusing, but doesn’t get nearly as many songs written about it.
The Trouble With Gratitude Is
November usually includes a big push for being grateful, thankful and feeling the gratitude. And I do feel it is an important part of the life experience. In fact, ancient philosopher Cicero is quoted as saying that gratitude “is not only the greatest one but also the mother of all the other remaining virtues”.
But in some ways it feels false when it’s so commercialized forced out there with kitschy signs and printed on clothing, and not feeling like a true reminder to fully live this virtue. It makes me feel a bit prickly and I’ve been working on untangling the hairball of feelings and thoughts I have about gratitude so I can more fully embrace the magic that it adds to our lives.
“Gratitude is not only the greatest one but also the mother of all the other remaining virtues”
Defining Gratitude
It turns out that gratitude is somewhat of an elusive bugger to nail down. Even with an official definition from Merriam Webster, it still doesn’t capture the full range and magnanimity of being grateful.
grateful (adjective)
1 a: appreciative of benefits received
b: expressing gratitude grateful thanks
2 a: affording pleasure or contentment : pleasing
b: pleasing by reason of comfort supplied or discomfort alleviated
The Science of Gratitude
An article by the Berkeley Greater Good magazine outlines the science behind gratitude and I wasn’t terribly surprised by their findings. Gratitude provides physical, psychological and social benefits and can be realized with some really simple practices like keeping a gratitude journal. This highly sourced white paper provides plenty of evidence about its benefits (link to download pdf). And you know I love collecting the evidence about life.
The thing is, I have terrible resistance to gratitude journals. The times I have attempted the practice, it ends up feeling kind of hollow and not from a place of intention or authenticity. I’m quite possibly just doing it wrong. My list starts out with the basics saying I’m grateful for my family, having a safe home, and food to eat. And maybe I really DO need to have more gratitude for these things because my life would be upended without them.
Yet my resistance stems from a deeper place.
Naming the Resistance
I’m usually an optimistic, look for a sky of blue kind of person so it may be surprising to learn that I struggle with gratitude. When I’m talking with a friend about a tough situation they are facing, I have to be careful to let them feel the feelings of the moment and provide that perspective when they are in a better mindset to hear it.
Having a strong sense of wanting to do things “my own self” and having resistance to receiving help from others blocks me from always feeling grateful. Gratitude comes with a sense of indebtedness that I worry about being able to “repay”.
The flip side of the same coin includes not feeling worthy to receive kindness and goodness. That somehow it has to be earned and I haven’t done enough to just BE enough.
And that if there is something so wonderful and I am grateful for, that it will disappear. That it’s better to keep it as joy that shall not be named and not even enjoy it.
I’m rewiring my thoughts and ingrained beliefs about people pleasing, peacemaking, and scarcity and begin to feel worthy of the generosity and goodwill that comes from others. Using I Am statements that I can accept as truth to create new neural pathways of belief. Welcoming and embracing the nudges, the help and the signs from the universe. I keep opening myself up to collecting the evidence that my life is full of experiences that I have been missing out on the appreciating the full spectrum of by living in this resistance.
Words Matter
I am a total word nerd and the energetics and nuances of language speak volumes to me. So as I navigate my way through, I am also learning to use words that resonate better with me and have a little less of that hollow commercialism attached to them. Replacing the word gratitude with an alternate helps me connect better with the spirit of the highest virtue.
Notice and appreciate
Celebrate
Reframe
Acknowledge
Embrace
Gratitude Experiments
In trying to break down the resistance to feeling and embodying gratitude, I’ve been trying out some new practices, experimenting with what is the way to tap into myself and tapping into the real magic of it all.
My husband made all of the meals this weekend and I am so grateful because it took a responsibility off my plate and kept me fueled for all of the business and self-focused time I was taking for myself. I only let in a little bit of guilt about all the shoulds I was holding at bay.
I started a ritual of keeping a candle lit for most of day, leaving it on the kitchen counter or bringing it to my work space. It’s filling my senses with warmth and comfort and appreciating that I am using some of the candles I got as a special treat or because they remind me of a special memory and appreciating being wrapped up in those feelings.
I’ve been meditating more, using a couple audios from a Human Design course I just completed and surrendering more to the feelings and vibrations that they are designed to call in. Not only feeling the feelings by allowing them to move through me, but to feel the feelings in my body, noticing where they are in my body. This has been a more transformational shift than I believed possible.
I’m sharing more of myself, being more honest with myself and shining a light on even the shadow side of who I am and loving myself fiercely through the process.
As I better embrace and embody gratitude, the bitterness I feel sometimes about situations is more easily recognized and addressed with love and understanding. I can pinpoint the place where it is coming from, naming it to tame it and reframing it. And often I’m surprised with a resolution revealing itself soon after once I approach it this way. Taking the time to journal about it is the way that I move through these feelings and remember all that I bring to the table. You can start here with my free printable gratitude journal prompts.
Gratitude in Motion
Gratitude is a verb, so taking action to move that goodness around energetically and raising the vibration and frequency of the planet feels in alignment to me. One expression of gratitude that I found I resonated strongly with is attributed to Mother Teresa and how grateful she was to the people she was helping, because they enabled her to embody her dharma and fully put it into practice.
Knowing what gifts I am sharing with the world, that being at my highest level of my dharma, my “me-ness” then it makes me feel like I am contributing and that I can take my share for myself to fill me up. I have a better understanding and appreciation for the cycle of gratitude that this world needs more of. Letting someone share their gifts with me is an energetic win for the whole world and helps us raise our level of inner glow.
Taking the time to work through my resistance to embracing this season of gratitude helps me enjoy it all the more. Knowing myself better, knowing the gifts I have to share and cracking open these nuggets makes me feel like I’ve leveled up and can shine a bit brighter.
Your Turn
To help remind myself of my bespoke humanness, I am planning on taking a dose of my own medicine and revisit the exercises I curated into the Illumination Kit. Using it to realign my thoughts with my actions and circle back around to go that next level deeper with myself, I am going to go through each of the guidebooks and reignite that glow within me.
If you are wanting to join me on the journey, I’ll be offering an opportunity to walk through it with me. I’m still working out the details, but we will start the last week of the year to help orient ourselves for the year and life ahead.
Be sure to put the Illumination Kit on your holiday gift list!
*post may contain affiliate links
Stephanie Rose is a mom, wife, business owner and a forever student in finding ways to know herself better. She acts as guide for your own journey, sharing insights, tools and practices to help you remember your magic and live a life that lights you up. Sign up for her newsletter and check out her free resources.
Related entries
In the depths of darkness, it's easy to lose sight of hope. But what if I told you that it's precisely in those moments that hope shines the brightest? Join me on a journey through the shadows as we explore the concept of hope in the darkest moments. From the smallest shifts to the gentle sparks that light up our souls, discover how embracing hope can transform our outlook on life. Through introspection, Human Design insights, and the power of belief, learn how to navigate the darkness with courage and resilience, ultimately finding renewal and illumination on the path ahead.