Octobers are a tricky time for me. And not just because Halloween comes at the end of it.  It took me a little bit to notice this, because it’s kind of a subtle blanket that weighs on the days, little by little.  The busyness of change and transition between school and the seasons masks it a bit, but like a specter in the corner, I subtly notice it.  And then can’t stop noticing it.

October was the month when I first became a mom.

And then the following October, it was the month where I lost my mom to early onset Alzheimer’s. 

A New Club

So much growth happens through both of those experiences.  Both test and teach you a lot about yourself, your beliefs, and your values.  You aren’t the same person after it happens.  You have a new title, belong to a new club.  You have people reaching out, telling you how to feel, saying the wrong thing, saying the best thing.  You feel supported and all alone at the same time.  Because no one can really know what it feels like for you, or what you need but you.

There's just a lot of adjustment and things to get used to when you join one of these clubs. No book fully prepares you for the actual experience.  It’s only through living through it can you really start to know and find a way to navigate through it, even if sometimes it’s just going through motions.  The changes to your outer world deeply affect your inner world, and it can be a real challenge to sit with. There are always those feelings that are there in the background and just part of the experience, you always have a level consciousness about it, even if you can’t put a finger on it.  But you feel the energetic vibration of it.

There’s a mixed blessing in both of these momentous experiences, both an ending of life as I knew it.  You can’t believe the day is here.  The day your life will change forever, with the peace, happiness and finality that also comes with it, especially after a long build up.  A very yin yang balance.  I don’t always know what side I’m on.  Sometimes it can flip pretty quickly, so sometimes I just have to feel what I feel and let it move through.  I don't have to live in it.  But I can let it be.  I can let it visit and let it move on.

I don’t always handle it that well.

Feeling the Feelings

I’ve long had a tough relationship with feelings, often burying and suppressing them to avoid rocking the boat, being a burden on others, feeling like I take up too much space or just plain avoiding because they can hurt. 

It’s a self-inflicted, learned trait I’ve held over the years.  It’s part of what makes me an enneagram 9, HSP, empath, splenic Projector, which come with their own amazing set of superpowers I’m tapping into.  But not feeling my feelings is an unhealthy expression of those designations and designs, and I’m learning to retrain my inner self that all feelings, especially the uncomfortable ones, are welcome here.

I’m welcoming the tears that come.  I speak my truth.  I follow the intuitive nudges to explore what comes up and what it offers to teach me.

What I’m Trying

Meditation helps.  Journaling too.  My daily walk streak has offered mental and physical space to process and release what’s ready.  Reading books about traits that I embody has taught me so much.  Connecting with people who are also uncovering more about themselves and navigating their unique design has helped me become so much more self-aware in the past year or two.  Nudged along by the desire to better understand who I am, how I operate, so I can show up as the best imperfect version of myself for the world to see.

I took myself on a run the other day, my first one in a long time.  Pushing my usual energetic boundaries, I’ve established with my daily walk and feeling the beautiful pain that comes with working muscles in a forgotten but familiar way.  It brought up some stuff, acknowledging the weight that October brings for me, working my emotions into new boundaries as well.  I was able to feel them, embrace them, and release them.

As the month comes to an end, I feel lighter, relieved to have navigated another October, appreciated the lessons it has taught me yet ready to embrace the new energy of November, perhaps with more gratitude and compassion that I might not have known otherwise.

Do you have a time of year that carries more weight for you?  How do you navigate it?

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Stephanie Rose is a mom, wife, business owner and a forever student in finding ways to know herself better. She acts as guide for your own journey, sharing insights, tools and practices to help you remember your magic and live a life that lights you up. Sign up for her newsletter and check out her free resources.

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